By Daniel King
Does exactly what it says on the tin. A bunch of utter bell ends go paintballing as part of their school reunion event and end up being picked off by a masked psycho.
Absolutely nothing you haven’t seen before then but at least it’s British and is competently made by director Darren Berry, whose debut feature this is.
He sets up the characters, such as they are, quite nicely in a pre-mayhem pub sequence, and keeps things bowling along for the 80-odd minutes running time, which is the perfect length for this sort of tomfoolery.
Unfortunately the script by Chris Regan is a handicap: yes, this may be an accurate representation of how utter bell ends express themselves but frankly who’d ever want to listen to that? The effin and jeffin is near constant, no-one has anything interesting to say, and it’s only the kills which keep you going.
In this instance the psycho’s MO is that he kills his victims in a manner somehow related to what they do for a living, e.g. a lifeguard is drowned. Which raises an interesting question: what would the psycho do if his victim was unemployed? Or worked at a charity shop. Or was a professional badminton player. The mind boggles.
Given little to work with the cast try hard but never get much beyond Hollyoaks level; and if you think that’s me throwing shade at Hollyoaks, you’re right. The best actor in it – and I never thought I’d say this in a film review – is Lee Latchford-Evans, him out of Steps.
For one thing he has more or less the most sympathetic character and he underplays it nicely, in contrast to the efforts elsewhere. There are one or two others you might recognise, such as actress and comedienne Katy Brand and Nicholas Vince who played the Chatterer in the first two Hellraiser films.
All that said, it’s amiable and doesn’t take itself at all seriously so if you’re prepared to cut it some slack it is quite watchable.
Watch the trailer for Paintball Massacre below –